Internet Guidance: Queer Edition

Disclaimer- The following piece is based on a mix of opinions and facts derived from various sources. We do not intend to offend the sentiments of any individual or community. 

Photo by John Schnobrich on Unsplash

While binge watching 'Heartstopper', one of the most famous shows to give recognition to the queer community, I saw one of the characters go online when he was put into doubt about his sexuality. It has become so common for us to rely on the internet for everything that it came as no surprise that when faced with the conundrum of figuring out his own true self, it became the most natural option to look for some guidance online. But is confirming your identity as simple as marking yes or no to a set of vague questions?

The scene actually invoked a sense of nostalgia in me. I remember my teenage self also being confused about my sexuality. And it did not feel like the topic was safe enough to approach in front of family or peers. Of course then a young me resorted to the same method of simply googling 'Am I a lesbian?'

And while I will credit the many quizzes that I took with making it clear to me that I definitely was not straight, they will also have to bear the burden of confusing me further. A simple search led me down the rabbit hole of an endless myriad of recommendations for lesbians and some life-crisis inducing posts. All I wanted was some guidance, some clarity. But it resulted into me being intimidated out of my mind owing to very vague questions that only left me with more doubts.

So I spent months avoiding the topic completely. It was better to feign ignorance than face the enormity of what the internet had to say about my identity. I worry that many young ones who are stuck in a similar dilemma might also find themselves with their backs against the wall and monsters of the online world looming at large.

We have created a society where a child feels that their only option when they stray from the cisgendered "norm" is to find solace online. We do not foster a safe space for them to ask questions, to interact with people that have had similar experiences and help them sort out things through these learnings. Instead we push them towards the anonymous world of the internet.

The problem with the internet is that its a vast, hugely unregulated space where just about anyone can make themselves look legitimate. Most quizzes that pop online when searching for something like this have no actual credibility behind their analysis. They can be highly misleading, causing more confusion in young minds. They also oversimplify a very complex set of identity markers to dumb questions like 'Have you ever been attracted to a woman?'

Worse than that, these quizzes are filled with stereotypes. They push the narrative of being queer being liked to 'unnatural' behaviour. You don't see quizzes that ask 'How straight are you?' They interlink behavioural aspects that have nothing to do with gender and sexuality, and gaslight people into forming the wrong impressions of their own identity. Little research goes behind such quizzes and the motive, more often than not, is just to garner some clicks. 

Such quizzes also mostly ignore the fact that both sexuality and gender are fluid. They try to fit you into labels, making it seem like a certain set of behaviours is guaranteed to mean that you fit into a certain box. The propagation of such wrong assumptions can cause a lot of self-loathing and disorientation. 

It is very easy to be misled by such quizzes that ignore the complexities of the question of being non-heteronormative or non-binary. Being a cis-woman and finding other women beautiful may or may not mean that you are attracted to the same sex. But it is certainly not for a set of 10 questions to decide. Figuring out your identity takes a lot of introspection and time, and relying on a random online survey is not the best way to do it. 

The best way to move forward is to normalize having these conversations with your loved ones. As a society, we need to foster spaces where young people feel free to question their own identity, where they are not so scared by the possibility of being non-cishet that they repress the urge to talk about it at all.

And while it would be unfair to say that all such questionnaires are completely inaccurate or misleading, it is safer to not bet 100% on the outcomes of these. Figuring out your identity is a complex process and a simple quiz cannot define it for you.  

By- Nishita Sinha